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Valentine’s Day: Lonely Hearts!

February 14, 2013

Valentine’s Day is fast approaching and for those unlucky sods who have to suffer the injustice of being alone, just remember that it’s not all so bad. It could be much worse, you could be a single video game character on Valentine’s.

Think about it; all year around you get played with by millions of men and women and still no one buys you a box of chocolates, takes you out for a fancy lobster dinner or even weep when they accidentally lead you to your death.

We all want to be loved and we all deserve to be loved, so how about you take a look at some ‘Lonely Hearts’ adverts and see if you can find your perfect gaming match to cuddle up with on the sofa and watch a soppy movie? Valentine’s … Look, I know it’s disgusting and makes most males quite nauseous to the stomach, but hey, I’m a delusional optimist, so let’s get cracking!


Name: Kratos … the Spartan … ?

Favourite thing about life: Unquenchable blood-rage.

Worst thing about life: Unconsolable guilt.

What I’m looking for in my perfect match: Rage fetish.

About myself: I’m an ex-military man, but now employ my services as accursed bludgeoning tool of Ares, GOD OF WAR. Recently divorced by a destructive episode of Familicide, proceeds from the ‘divorce’ included a healthy white colour to my complexion as well as a lingering feeling of sorrow and damnation. I live alone with my pet decapitated hydra head who goes by the name of ‘Bitey’. I like long walks down endless corridors filled with scores of enemies to rampage against, I also enjoy healthy doses of bloodshed accompanied by rhythm games.

I’m looking for someone in their late 20’s, one who has a kind heart and soft touch, and enjoys reading along to my stories with me.

I’m a very forward person.


Name: Jensen.

Favourite thing about life: New sweet robot arms and sort of, but not quite, clip-on robot sunglasses.

Worst thing about life: I didn’t ask for them (also, I’m getting sick of the battery powerbars).

What I’m looking for in my perfect match: Ability to overlook me being a monster of modern science and technology.

About myself: Hi, I’m Jensen. I used to enjoy walking with my real legs and doing handstands with my real arms until they got cut off and I got jacked up to the robotic lungs with new augmentations. I work as security chief for Sarif Industries in Chicago, but recently my job has been moving in the direction of corporate espionage. Probably because of my new ability to turn invisible. Like a robot …

I used to live by myself with my dog until he got put down while I was getting all robotified. I rarely have visitors now that my girlfriend (or ex, not sure yet, haven’t found her) got kidnapped by a terrorist group who also blew up a laboratory with me in it. Hence the robot arms.

I swear I’m fun, really. I got a cool coat and did I mention the robot sunglasses … oh …

I look good in clubs.


Name: Crash Bandicoot.

Favourite thing about life: Sneakers.

Worst thing about life: The burden of near-human intelligence. The confused envy it causes when my fellow jungle creatures are simply content with licking their balls all day.

What I’m looking for in my perfect match:  A love of hogs, both wild hogs and motorbikes, and an interest in shiny gems and crystals.

About myself: I’m a 2-year-old genetically engineered Bandicoot hybrid. My favourite pass times include belly-flopping, spinning on the spot, double jumping and riding indigenous animals. Yes, even polar bears! Also saving damsels in distress and repeatedly foiling the plot of my arch-nemesis, the yellow-faced Dr. Neo Cortex.

My life has become a little subdued, I mostly spend time hanging around with my sister.

Please help, she keeps running out of AA batteries for her laptop! I can’t afford to keep buying batteries. Do you know the conversion rate on Wumpa fruit to real money? It’s crap! Please save me! I haven’t eaten in five years!

Side-note: Wumpa fruit tastes like horse meat.

These are the only clothes I can afford!


Name: Victor ‘God Damn’ Sullivan. You can call me ‘Sully’ for short.

Favourite thing about life: Discovering untold riches and ancient lost cities.

Worst thing about life: Using profits to bail out Nathan every two weeks.

What I’m looking for in my perfect match: To turn up when my lighter goes dead.

About myself: Aging silver haired gent. Classy, full of style and can sweet talk any lady. I’m an … antique collector by trade, but my profits tend to range from a handful of dusty coins to a boat load of rare and unique ‘collector’s’ items.  No children or ex-wife, but somehow managed to pick up an adopted son who is nothing more than a smart-ass and a terrible pilot.

Smoother than a hot chocolate with Baileys … I prefer scotch though.


Name: Gordon Freeman.

Favourite thing about life: Experimental portal technology.

Worst thing about life: Alien invasions resulting from experimental portal technology.

What I’m looking for in my perfect match: Someone to wake me up.

About myself: Well, I used to work at Black Mesa when [CLASSIFIED] and then this amazing and peculiar thing happened. Some strange, tall guy spoke to me. His name was [CLASSIFIED] and I do odd jobs for him when [CLASSIFIED] and he said something about [CLASSIFIED] and now I’m here in City 17. I’m not sure why. So, really, I just need someone to show me around. Maybe take me to a good Italian restaurant. Although, I must admit I’m not the best dinner companion. I’m a very quiet man, prone to long episodes of complete silence.

My top beard tip is [CLASSIFIED].


Name: Cpt. Price.

Favourite thing about life: Guns.

Worst thing about life: Not enough Guns.

What I’m looking for in my perfect match: Someone who adores handlebar moustaches.

About myself: Shot the arm off of the only ma- WOMAN! I ever loved. I’m a captain of the elite British S.A.S. I have a fondness for lighting up cigars even when I get Russians hot on my tail.

My perfect woman would know what gets me going: Fist fights, shoot-outs, general frowning and looking all tough guy usually works. I’m also partial to facial hair … but of course WOMEN shouldn’t have them. What I mean is, err … ugh, forget it. I need to fire off a few rounds at some defenceless animals.


Image Links: Thumbnail – RandomBlackGamer Youtube Channel, P.C Gamer – Deus Ex: Human Revolution has gone gold, Fanpop-Crash Bandicoot, Video Gameologists – All Star Speculation, Game Informer – Is Gordon Freeman a hero?, RobZacny.Com, All4MySpace

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