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Games Can’t Teach You Everything

September 28, 2012

Leave it alone, it isn’t worth it.

Skills You Learn in the World of Gaming But Should Never Employ in Real Life.

1.Wandering in tall grass

Listen now; thrashing about in the tall grass will not produce money or let you encounter magical creatures that can breathe fire or shoot thunder from their buttholes, unless you are having a peculiarly strong acid flashback! And besides, imagine the look of disgust from passing pedestrians who look to see you kicking and stamping about in the grass looking for adventure. All you are likely to get is a nasty nip from a Black Adder chilling in the grass.

2. Throwing a Poké Ball

If you find a Black Adder do not attempt to catch it with a Pokémon Ball, that’s just plain cruel.

3. Strafing

In the world of FPS it’s essential to put your target in sight and peer round corners by strafing around like a crab. This is a skill that will only bewilder and frighten people in the real world. So read this carefully: do not strafe in a circle around your teachers, do not attempt to strafe through shopping isles, do not strafe into church and pass around the charity box like an energetic crab with an electrode stuck up its arse. Remember don’t go sideways, face front and be a normal person for once.

4. Questing

When you move to somewhere new, what do you? Go and introduce yourself to the neighbours, give them a cheese platter, a bottle of wine, perhaps invite them over for a BBQ and a beer. What you should not do is immediately find EVERYONE in the village/town and ask them if they have any work for you. They will not give you epic quest lines. You may get the odd fetch quest, go get a bottle of milk from the shop, get a can of paint at the hardware store. But never ever expect gold, enchanted weapons or newly fashioned armour greaves for your actions. The best you can hope for is a tall glass of refreshing lemonade and perhaps some good will. The worst case scenario; you end up helping old wheel-chair bound Mrs. Smith delouse her cat and pick all the moss between her garden path cobblestones. Don’t end up being the neighbourhood bitch! Questing in real life is for idiots!

5. Looting

Same principle as above. Do not, when moving to a new area, assume that all the neighbour’s belongings now, in fact, belong to you and they are just holding them until you decide to come get them. Appearing from your neighbour’s back door, your arms filled with their silverware, will not improve the chances of holding a successful neighbourhood BBQ.

6. Drifting

Burnout may have taught us ‘Dont go slow, go sideways’ but if you try that in real life you are only going to end up knocking over a mailbox. A car isn’t a toy and you can’t restart if you fuck up, all you end up with is a bigger bill on your insurance. Be sensible, leave the dickery back in the virtual world.

7. Never fight a new challenger

In fact never fight someone with biceps the size of sheds. It’s never worth it, you’ll end up bloody and beaten. If all else fails and you are forced to fight, grab your trusty controller and jab them in the eye with it. And remember, in a real fight, kicking them when they are down is fine, there aint a timer, aint no K.O to stop the fight!

8. Pausing

You done goofed kid, in life you don’t get to pause life and take a breather to think out your next move. Think fast!

Image Link: http://browse.deviantart.com/resources/?qh=§ion=&q=tall+grass#/di8zk4

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 22, 2013 1:25 am

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