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Games That Will Never Get Made

September 10, 2012

You can touch him!

Say hello to Milo, a game which was made for Microsoft’s Project Natal. It was canned, along with the awesome name ‘Natal‘.

Here are a few games that would never get pass the drawing board. At least, I hope not.

  • Windows: Brazzers Simulator

Grand Theft Auto always manages to grab the headlines with its excessive violence and adult themes. Can you imagine the headlines and outrage if this simulator – or rather, ‘stimulator’ – came into existence?

  • Tiger Woods Putt-Putt Mini-Golf

The final embarrassment. The star has finally set below the horizon. It’s all about nasty little motion-controlled shuffleware for Tiger Woods. Maybe there will be an unlockable public apology mini-game!

  • Julian Assange’s Embassy Run!

You play as the founder of Wikileaks, and he’s dying for a package of McCoy’s crisps. You must make your way outside the safety of the Ecuadorian embassy and to the nearest corner shop, whilst jumping on British police officers’ heads, collecting Big Issue power-ups and evading violent drunken hobos.

  • Star Trek Vs. Star Wars Ultimate Fighting Championship

Ever wanted to see Luke Skywalker go up against Captain Piccard in a full-on, bare fix boxing match? Of course, we have all imagined such a thing, but be wary: on the day of it’s release, Nerddom’s streets will run red with blood.

  • 9/11 Flight Simulator

This was not my idea! This would be the most controversial flight sim ever, and it could start an all-out war against games, the Internet, memes, Facebook, Twitter, TV, cinema and everything and anything we hold dear. A war on new age media?

  • Final Fantasy XXX: Crystal Meth Series

Final Fantasy XIII started off the overly criticized Fabula Nova Crystallis series, but they didn’t stop there. After the endless sequels to the confusing and confounded time travel-athon that became Final Fantasy, they decided to start it all over again, but now with a greater emphasis on collecting specks of crystal meth to grow and develop your characters in the lush and realistic surroundings of a world where crime always pays. Our heroes Krazy 6.3, Sack-bag and ‘The Druggernaut’ must embark on the greatest adventure: to pawn stolen TVs and cassette players to afford that next speck of crystal meth!

  • Uncharted: Drake’s Shopping List

Deep in the depths of a lost land where time and space are warped, Drake’s hand must search for his shopping list. Going to the shops has never been on the edge of your seat before. Another 10/10 action-packed adventure from Naughty Dog, filled with plenty of cliff hanging and grenade juggling.

  • LEGO Schindler’s List

Self-explanatory, never going to happen.

  • Cooking with Walter White

The new educational chemistry tool from EA. Let cancer patient Walter White show you how to exceed in the world of business with this handy interactive tool which will make chemistry a breeze. Warning: you make end up with a Crazy Handful of Nothin’. Learn how to apply your new chemistry smarts to haggle with drug lords, dissolve evidence in bath-tubs and almost blind your enemies with red phosphorus.

  • Call of Duty: Battle of the Somme

Beyond being a complete disrespect to the gallant sacrifice young men made, who really wants to experience endless respawns and simulated trench foot?

  • Half Life 3: Paint

Gabe has been playing with us. Do you think we will ever see Half Life 3 in this century? When it does, the hype will be so strong that endless tangents will spring up everywhere. Just imagine Mario: Paint. I hope to Christ this one never comes true.

Image Link: 4playerpodcast.com

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