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Mass Effect 3 Alternative Endings

June 26, 2012

Did you hate the ending of Mass Effect 3? A lot of people seemed to take umbrage with the end of the massive Lovecraftian space opera. Whether it was the cheap Get Out of Jail free card or the ultimate lack of variety in the endings, how past choices seemingly didn’t count. To be honest I didn’t completely detest the ending.

Shepard’s sacrifice was justified, the space-child catalyst ghost thing seemed less out of place than it should have – it was ultimately the lack of closure that was my greatest gripe, and totally screwing over the lore of the universe that they set up by destroying the mass relays.

But whatever you have against the writing, I have brainstormed some endings that could have happened and some that shouldn’t have happened.

So we have fought tooth and nail against the Reapers, the sentient dreadnoughts, who’s singular goal is reducing all space faring organic species into a fine chalky milkshake that they glue together into new little baby Reapers, or some such. Now stop crying ’cause Shepard will save the day, right? Of course he will.

There are more sensible, but mainly ridiculously unlikely endings that I ended up thinking up in an article I wrote for a blog of my own back in February before Mass Effect 3 was released:

  • Shepard will single-handedly punch every Reaper out of Earth’s atmosphere.
  • Shepard will strong arm Joker into going all martyr and driving the Normandy into the last Reaper’s face.
    • That happens, but it doesn’t work.
  • Shepard shoots a missile in a thermal exhaust port.
  • Shepard gets stuck in the thermal exhaust port instead.
  • EDI turns out to have an apparent ‘off’ switch, Joker flips it, unknowingly activating her ‘gas all humans aboard’ sub routine.
  • Grunt eats Shepard at the revived Krogan tradition of ‘bring your boss for lunch’ picnic. Shepard misunderstands the hidden meaning in the lunch’s title.
  • Miranda’s buttocks grow too large and gigantic, and literally hypnotise the Reapers into a docile state (Shepard must then make a Paragon or Renegade choice).
    • Paragon – Have Mordin surgically remove the mesmerizing derrière safely and Frisbee it out in dark space, leading the Reapers away from all the killing and blending.
    • Renegade – Take no time to think of an alternative, load Miranda into the cannons and blast her out into dark space which safely leads the Reapers out in space.
    • Following this, humanity will set up a ‘Miranda’s bum’ foundation (funded by Cerberus) into promoting the most genetically appealing bums ready for the next Reaper threat.
  • Grunt eats Joker, leaving the Normandy without a smart-talking helms man. Everyone on board is rather sad.
  • Jack eats Grunt with a nice glass of red wine on the side.

(Don’t ask why these ‘Ending’ scenarios rarely have anything to do with the end – just go with it.)

  • Shepard is in fact a Reaper construct who went rough. When the Reapers tell you this, there are three possible outcomes:
    • Paragon – Refuses to believe them and blasts apart the nearest Reaper with a fecking huge rail gun thereby ending the Reaper threat.
    • Renegade – Shepard happily runs into the mandibles of his nearest and dearest Reaper parents, happy he/she escapes the armageddon with a ‘Get Out of Jail’ card and proceeds to melt down some lovely Salarians in a very metrosexual smoothie.
    • Neutral – his/her head literally melts from the irrational logic of it all.
  • Garrus does some line-dancing so horrifyingly clunky and badly animated that the Reapers decide they don’t want to associate with this galaxy and leave to find one very far, far away.
  • The Reapers find the galactic Republic and proceed to blow your mind!
  • A Wizard appears and makes the Reapers shoot candy-canes and happiness all over Earth rather than the molten hot streams of metal going almost as fast as the speed of light.
  • That Wizard is Dumbledore.
  • Something more logical will happen and Shepard will find an ancient artefact to repel the Reapers or destroy them all together with the help of all the known species and his friends … ’cause BioWare is soppy and rejected all these alternatives in a letter they sent back to me.

I realise a lot of this brainstorming didn’t relate at all to the ending of Mass Effect 3, but maybe you should think again before saying the writing is crap – because would you rather have me writing the endings of critically acclaimed gaming series?

Image Link: Quick Meme

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