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Hitman: Absolutions: Why These Assassins Are Rubbish

June 1, 2012

Has anyone played any of the Hitman games? I haven’t (bar a brief affair with the gimp party level in number 2), but I know enough to be certain that this trailer is everything that is wrong with mass marketing.

Hitman games, so I’m told, are all about professional, no-frills assassinations, rather than boobs-in-your-face, tight-leather gun porn with more one-liners than Bruce Willis. This is anything but the former, so I’m going to list all the errors of judgment in this trailer, partly because I want to be irritatingly pedantic, and partly because I could be an assassin, too. Hell yeah.

The internet is awash with opinion over whether this is sexist or not. Let’s be honest, this is nothing new for both sexes. Male and female characters are more often than not overly butch or petite and boobalicious respectively. It’s just a shame that it’s infiltrated this game for the sake of attracting horny punters.

The sad thing about this kind of marketing is that it works on some people.

1. 0:10: Nun outfits do not fit in a motel setting, and you do not see five of them together in many situations in real life at all.

2. 0:14:  Blood on the sink. Make sure that’s washed up if you don’t want to leave a trail.

3. 0:25: WHY ARE YOU WEARING HIGH HEELS TO THIS SORT OF JOB. DRESSED AS A NUN. IN A MOTEL.

4.  0:35: The nuns’ leather gloves should be better concealed, but it is a deserted motel. We’ll let this one pass.

5. 0:37: A rocket launcher is apparently easy to conceal. Why are we not waiting for 47 to exit? This isn’t an ambush.

6. 0:43: Unless you’re planning on killing 47 with BDSM, the leather outfits are really, really not needed and look totally out of place. Body armour? Why the strutting? They’re gyrating more than a belly dancer on acid.

7. 0:59: Why the formation? Why haven’t the kinky nuns taken up vantage points? Sniper rifles? Their weapons have the advantage of range.

8. 1:09: Watch your six. Nun number one goes down.

9. 1:20: Body armour would’ve stopped those bullets. Sex appeal kills, kids.

10. 1:28: Black kinky nun hesitates to line up a perfect shot. Tsk. Where’d nun number two go?

11. 1:38: What’s with the spinny knife show? More wasted time. Should’ve just gone for the jugular. Or stabbed him.

12. 1:43: Body armour would’ve helped there, too. One left to go!

13. 2:06: That suit’s probably ruined, or at least very, very wet. New clothes. New weapons are a plus, but make sure the cops are nowhere near.

Conclusion: Call of Duty has female characters?

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